Occassionallly I write long blogs.

So it’s about time I updated everyone about my absence. I know that some of the people I know in real life are aware of what’s been going on and those of you who follow me online are aware of small details but I’m finally at a stage where I feel comfortable being a little bit more public about things.

There’s a few things that I want to mention first though so let’s get that out of the way… I will be taking my camera out and about more again so Plymouth dwellers I shall hopefully see you at Fractal tonight and Foundation Music Crimbo Bubbler tomorrow night at Voodoo Lounge! 

I’m on the Plymouth Post website decorating a Christmas tree at the Occupy Plymouth Occupation Center opening. Seasons greetings haha! My own photos from last night will be online as soon as possible. The photograph of me is by Nic Randall. Please try and ignore how badly I need to re-dye my hair lol… It’s not really been my top priority lately haha.

Before I go into all the details of why I’ve not been active I’d also like to give a little promo to the gorgeous and talented Alice Vandy who works her ass off to make some super sexy clothing! Check out her shop and buy some clothes to make you look drop dead gorgeous! Look out for a few collaborations between me and her in the future, it’s going to blow your mind! ;) She’s also hosting a competition at the moment to win some of her clothing, ladies you don’t want to miss this!

Now, onto the real reason I started writing this post (it’s long, I’m sorry for that I sort of suck at keeping things short haha)…

I’ve been in a really bad state both mentally and physically for numerous reasons but yet throughout I’ve still be trying to constantly help other people and have often put people before myself which, sadly, has put me in an even worse situation. Stupidly I’m still trying to help someone that does nothing but lie to me and screw me about because I care about them. Do I regret it for a second? Of course not! If I can help someone who I feel deserves to be helped then you can bet your life on it that I will do my best to do so.

At the end of the day I receive so much hate from people who don’t know me in the slightest and I’m just going to come straight out and say it… It’s fucking pathetic! You can bitch and moan and call me spoilt or a slut because I’ve done ‘sexy’ modelling photographs or call me ugly like all the people who gave me a hard time back in school to the point where I was suicidal and quit or you can take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself what’s really so special about you?

I’m not claiming I’m anything amazing, I have problems, I make mistake, I’ve done some horrible things that I’m not proud of in my life but despite all the bullshit I still try and help out those that I can, which is something that unfortunately can’t be said for a lot of people, so if you don’t like what I’m doing then please kindly move on because I’m not going to let it get to me from now on, no matter how hard that can be at times.

I’ve been screwed over by a lot of people recently and I know I’m not the only one. Times like this really make you realise who your real friends are and it’s often the people you least expect that end up being there for you the most, or at least that’s what I’ve found. Despite all the drama I’ve recently let a homeless friend stay with me and try and to support them and often put them before me.

I am owed money from various different people that I have tried to help, thinking they were my friends, and let’s face it, the chances of me getting any of it back are extremely slim. I’ve also recently I had my Macbook pro stolen from me, as people who have followed my blog are aware.

Now I’m not the type to bitch and moan about losing material things when there is a lot of people that are most definitely worse off in this world than I am. I don’t want my blog to be about that in the slightest, another reason I’ve refrained from posting too publicly about things. That doesn’t change that it set me back quite dramatically with regards to all the work that I have been doing. On top of this I’m also seriously in debt with rent and bills, stressed as hell and quite frankly feel really weak and ill. Some days I have no idea where I’m going to find the money to even eat. The thing is, I could of posted message after message all over the internet moaning and asking for your pity but have I? No. Because of being so public with my work and trying to get my name out there as a photographer I’ve had to try and keep people updated, at least to some extent, so that no one feels like I’ve purposely messed them around or ignored them because that really is the last thing that want to do. If I’d had a choice I would have kept everything private but so many people are asking questions and, with recent events that other people I care about have also been through, I’ve had to try and keep people at least slightly updated. It is for both personal and safety reasons I’ve kept a lot of things hush hush but I don’t feel like I should be silenced any longer. Hate me all you like but as far as I’m concerned there’s more people in the world that need to speak out and make their voices heard, why shouldn’t I do the same?

I’ve received some really negative comments from people for having a donate button on my blog but the fact is I’m not forcing anyone to give me anything! It’s just there as a means for anyone who is prepared to help me in any way that they can (every little really does help, even just 10p here and there all builds up and can help me get back on my feet). Despite what a lot of you haters like to think, I will always try and put others before myself if I can, even when it makes me a lot worse off myself. I probably shouldn’t do it as much as I do but the reality is I want to help people.

A recent comment I received called me a spoilt little bitch who was living off my parent’s money which shows just how little these people really know about me (and surprise surprise it was left anonymously because they’re a fucking coward). My mum doesn’t even have the money to support herself sometimes and yes, she tries to help me as much as she can, as do other family members, but that doesn’t make me spoilt. It makes me someone with a loving support network that try their best to help me and perhaps if you took a better attitude towards such things you’d have that yourself.

Everything that has gone on in my life recently really did get me to the point where I’ve ended up having a total nervous breakdown and at one point really did feel like I was going to have to seek professional help because I saw no way out. I took time away from everything, went and stayed with my mum, and spent time trying to clear my head. I’m still not in an amazing situation but I’m trying to be positive because being negative about things doesn’t solve anything.

I’ve seriously hated asking for help and a lot of the reason that I haven’t posted more publicly is because I know there’s plenty of other people who are having a hard time and, like I said, your pity is the last thing that I want. Speaking out about something doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re doing it for attention, as has been suggested. What the fuck happened to free speech?

Thankfully there has been some absolutely AMAZING people who have been prepared to help me try and piece things back together. I seriously can’t thank them enough! I don’t even know how to put into words how shocked and grateful I am to those that have been prepared to do the things that they have to try and make my situation better. Whilst I’m not religious I have faith that I’ll be able to get out of this mess but there’s absolutely no way in hell that I would have been able to get anywhere near to doing it without all of your support. Hey, I’m not as strong as I’d like to be.

There’s so many of you who don’t give it a second thought when it comes to asking me to do a billion and one things for free so how about giving something back? I work my ass off for people so it’s not really that much to ask for when you think about that. I guess even writing that sentence makes me a spoilt little bitch in your eyes though. 

Now before I get any anonymous comments (let’s face it most of you are too cowardly to even leave your name) in my ask box, on Facebook, or wherever else, I just want to make clear that this is definitely NOT just about a laptop getting stolen. A laptop is a material thing, a lot of people have a lot less and I’m fully aware of that. For me, however, losing that laptop has meant I’ve also lost a lot of work… Positive things that I was working on not just for myself but for the benefit of others as well.

As I said, I can barely afford to eat, have no money for Christmas presents, am ridiculously behind on rent and living in a flat where, due to things being stolen, I really don’t feel safe. As a girl living by myself that can get pretty scary, especially when you start to take into consideration all of the other things that have been happening!

I have an abusive ex boyfriend who has threatened me, been physically abusive not just towards me but also towards other people that I care deeply about, and it really is taking it’s toll on me. It’s easy to fake a smile and pretend that everything is okay but I really have been terrified and really struggling to cope with a lot of things. I’ve been scared to leave my flat but scared to go out alone as well. He seems to have a habit of turning up wasted at stupid o’clock in the morning and I’ve previously had to phone the police out.

My own suspicions, combined with things I’ve heard on the grape vine, leave me to believe that he’s the one that has stolen my laptop. You only have to Google his name, which if things get any worse I will be posting publicly to let the world know what scum he really is, to see the kind of nasty piece of work that he is. I make terrible decisions when it comes to men clearly and always try to see the good in people but some people really just don’t have any good in them at all it seems. I’m not prepared to back down this time though. There’s far too many people in this world that let people walk all over them, myself included, and it’s time people spoke out and stopped letting the bastards walk free and screw people around as if it’s just some sick twisted game.

There’s some seriously amazing people trying to do some seriously amazing things for others and yet people are kicking them down and it’s not right!

You can leave me all the hate mail that you like but I really really do hate having to ask for help but sometimes it needs to be done. Despite all the bullshit that is taking place in my life I’ve still been bending over backwards to help other people.

A lot of people seem to think that I’m loaded because I have my own flat, a decent camera, and am so active as a photographer… Photographing things doesn’t make me rich! It makes me someone that works my ass off to do something that I’m passionate about! I do a lot of things for nothing to help out people who I feel are doing good things. I can’t afford to eat or pay my rent and what good is having my own flat if I could lose that as a result of other people screwing me over? 

I’ve not been in contact with the police about the harassment from my ex as much as I should have been for the simple reason that I’m not the kind of person that likes to have contact with the police. Let’s face it, we all know people who are on the wrong side of the law and I’m not about to put my work as a photographer on the line by getting the reputation of being a little snitch, it goes against absolutely everything that I stand for! When I had to speak to them about the abusive behaviour I’d become victim to they told me not to have any contact with him and to ignore any messages I received from him which I have done. I have no intention of replying to a single text message or email or any other form of contact he tries to make. This is also why I haven’t posted about it online but I’ve made the decision that it’s time to speak out. Living in somewhere like Plymouth and moving in the same social circles it is inevitable that I will bump into him sooner or later and the thought honestly does scare the crap out of me. I’m sick of feeling threatened in my own home, I hate that someone has had such an effect on my life and set me back so much with the things that are what I have spent years working my ass off to achieve. 

I genuinely want to support things that I feel are giving something positive back to the community around me and a lot of the time a lot of the time it actually costs me far more money than you realise to be able to help out others. When I’m passionate about something I put my all in to it. So what I’m getting at is don’t bitch and moan about how I’m asking for help from others because I’m too lazy to try and make my situation better myself as it’s not the case in the slightest. The people saying these things don’t know the first thing about me and probably do bugger all to try and help anyone but themselves.

I’m doing all of this with absolutely no money so if you see me out then please be considerate, buy me a drink and even better if you have any spare AA batteries you’re willing to donate to a photographer who can’t afford to power her flash bring them down and I shall be eternally grateful :)

Life is what you make it and I may have been knocked on my ass too many times to count recently but I’m pulling myself out of it. I also don’t just want to ask people to donate, if I have a skill with my photography/art/etc. that is beneficial to you and that you can trade it with me for something that will be of useful to me then that is amazing and please get in contact because the financial situation at the moment is screwed for everyone and if we all start trying to help each other out rather than screw each other over then things can and will get better!

I’ve never claimed benefits or anything like that, I’m putting all of my energy into trying to do something positive. I know there’s people out there that understand and appreciate that so if any of those people are prepared to give back then I really do appreciate it so much! I know I’m repeating myself a lot but I seriously am still so in shock and so grateful to those who have been prepared to help so far.

Even if you can’t afford to donate you can do little things to help and make a postive impact. It’s not just my life I’m talking about, if you started caring about others even a fraction of the amount that you care about getting the latest gadgets or buying ugly ass Christmas decorations to celebrate a holiday that has become about nothing but consumerism and putting money back into the companies that dodge taxes. Let’s face it, if you cared about other’s that much you wouldn’t wait to one day of the year to show them you’d be there for them year round. 

I’m not the only person in a bad situation right now but rather than making excuses for why I can’t do this, that or the other I’m getting things together and trying to help benefit other people in as many was as I can. I might not be able to do a lot but I try and offer what skills I do have to help people out. Yes I make mistakes, I’m human, but there’s too many complete and utter twats out there that are ruining things for a lot of people. The people that have had a negative impact on my life recently have also had negative impact on the lives of others and it’s time things started changing.

Be the change you want to see in the world and if you don’t want to see change then kindly leave me alone and stay out of my life. I’m sick of all the bullshit, things can change but nothing will change by sitting on your ass bitching and moaning.

If you can help me out in any way what so ever then there’s a donate button on the sidebar of my blog and I really do appreciate it so much but beyond that so many people need to stop being so damn selfish and actually try and do something positive. 

Sorry for the long rant but hey, I’ve been away a while ;) There’s probably some spelling/grammar mistakes that I’ll correct at a later date and sentences that don’t make sense haha, gotta shoot…. Time to go photograph Fractal!

@1 year ago with 1 note
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